When is good, too good?

The Big Princess and I had an interesting conversation today. She said some kids at recess said the word shut up and she said she made that surprised noise (not sure how to spell it or write it but it's the one you make when you're scared or appalled). She said when she made that noise, the kids laughed at her.  I asked her why she think they laughed at her and she said, "Well, maybe they just think I'm too good and I don't want that."

This led of course, into more mom questions like "What does too good mean?"  Her reply was you don't want to be the bad kid, but you also don't want to be the perfect one.  She continued by saying how at school she worked really hard to be a good person but at home, she was so not a good person.  Her final response was, "Mom, I don't want them to think that I think that I'm perfect."

This brought back many moments in my high school career when I was definitely "the goody two shoes."  I didn't drink. I didn't have sex. I didn't do weed.  I babysat.  I worked.  And trust me when I say I'm glad I chose that road, but it really isn't always the easiest road to choose.  It's ironic this topic came up with The Big Princess because one of the people who was merciless about teasing me about being a goody-two shoes and involved with God so much is going to be one of the main speakers and the nation's largest Christian music festival in Sioux Falls this weekend (obviously, God has gripped his heart now and he does have quite the story).  If I didn't want to go with the group (his girlfriend was my best friend) he would make comments to me like, "Oh, sorry we aren't good enough for you. Go bowl with your youth group."  Then there would be snide comments here and there ("Go read your Bible or go say your prayers") and I knew people thought that about me.  As one matures, one realizes that the righteousness aspect of religion can come off so negatively if not directed correctly.  I'm sure I came off quite righteous as times and didn't know how else to handle it.  I also know that I was a goody two shoes, but not because I felt like I was better than they were but simply because I was scared of not being in total control of myself.  And the aspect of trying to live right was always there.

So, how do I answer my Big Princess who doesn't want to be too good or too bad?  Finding a happy medium is something that comes with maturity, yet I don't want her to choose to be bad simply because she thinks kids won't laugh at her.  But I also don't want kids laughing at her.  But I also don't want her to feel the pressure to be perfect.

I need a parenting manual.  And can it be a graphic novel form so it's a quick read?

Girl Drama

We are in our second full week of school...almost finished as a matter of fact and yes, I can FEEL it tonight, but I digress.  Today I am finally starting to "see" who my lovely children are that I get the fun of spending 8 hours a day with.  In other words, the honeymoon is over.  I sent my first one to the hall today, simply because he has diarrhea of the mouth and there appeared to be no cure for that.  So, ba-bye.  I went to talk with him and assured him it was only by my loving grace that his little hiney wasn't in the office.  When I asked how he's going to fix the problem, he had an idea so I'm going with that for a bit to see how it goes.  I believe I now have another name to cross off the list of "possible children's names" even if I'm done with children.  That would be Harrison.

However, Harrison drama is nothing compared to the already starting girl drama.  It isn't just at the middle school either.  Yesterday, Big Princess was excited to see me when I picked her up at after school care.  This surprised me and within five seconds of walking out of the gym, she said, "Mom, Myra just messed up my computer game by pulling out my mouse.  Then it ruined everything I had done.  And Katie wouldn't play with me today.  I don't know why."  So, we go back over tactics for survival that should could use, like the whole find something else to do if they won't play with you, or find a new friend and so on.  She is shy, but is actually really brave at walking up to kids and making new friends right away.  Her final comment, "I am not playing with Little Princess tonight because I've had enough girl drama."  I totally get it.

At middle school level, I've already had one student kicked out of school for a week (a girl who threatened to beat up another girl--obviously this girl has a record already established or it would never be this long and this drastic but because of the problems she caused last year, they simply threw the book at her right away)  and today I had another girl put into  in school suspension for some drama going on.  When the principal came up to get this girl's belongings, he grabbed another girl in my class and read her the riot act out in the hall starting out his mini-lecture with, "I am seeing lots of girls in my office and many of the stories we're being told have your name involved in them. You better start making better choices or you're going to be in my office next." I love my principal by the way.

Holy smokes, I seriously don't remember ever being this dramatic. But I do know my only visit to the principal's office was due to the fact that I was playing "kill the guy with the ball" at recess with the boys and the principal said I had to stop and play with the girls. Yes, today he wouldn't get away with that, but at the time, it ended my football playing career which I started because my little brother and I played together all the time so I did boy things quite naturally. It was at that point in my life, which was 3rd grade, when I realized what girl drama was.  My sister was never into it either so we didn't have it at home, but since I was forced to watch the girls jump rope and do cheers, I got to see girl drama for the first time.  I would have to say my high school graduating class of 20 did have its share of girl drama but I truly did try to stay out of it.

My hope is to instill in my daughter the ability to stay out of it, too, but it's such a different world.  And add to the fact that she is going to be strikingly beautiful and smoking hot and you can pretty much bet that she will be the victim of quite a bit of drama from jealous girls and so on.  Man, I wish there was a manual with these girls. I really want to do the right things but what the heck constitutes "right" when it comes to preparing them for life with girl drama?

Adults behaving badly

So today after school the Gideons were handing out their little New Testaments to the Edison kids.  They were following the law of course, by staying on the sidewalk which is the closest they can get to the building legally.  None were forced to take the Bibles, simply offered them.  It was quite peaceful.  UNTIL.....this guy pulls up, honks, jumps out of the car and starts YELLING at the Gideons who were handing these out.  He then proceeded to say he was going to bring the Koran and hand it out, which had he said it to an administrator, they simply could have said, "Feel free as long as you stay on the sidewalk."  Unfortunately, after ranting and raving, he then jumped in his car, turned up his stereo full blast, and drove away.  While leaving, I guess he called the police.  It must have slipped his eye site to see the policeman and the car sitting in front of our school everyday at the end of the day.  He drove around the block watching for the police to show up and he continued to yell things at those passing out Bibles.  Eventually, everyone left and life went back to normal.

I can't even begin to know where to start.  Seriously?  Yelling at those passing out the books?  Blasting your stereo to make a point about what?  That you like Lady Gaga or Barry Manilow or whatever it was you were blasting?  Pass out the Koran?  If you want, go ahead.  As frustrating as his reaction was, and as idiotic as it appeared to those who consider the Bible a privilege to own, I fear he has watched Christians reacting to his religion, which appeared to be Muslim.  I am sure he has been the target of little tolerance on the part of those non-muslims in our community and apparently, decided to snap.  Who really knows for sure except him, but again, what bothers me so much is not only his insistence on freaking out when everything was entirely legal, but the audience he had with our students, one of which I believe was his son.  Middle school kids do not need to see one more person ripping apart another person or system of which they feel "offended."  They come to us so "entitled" as it is that we literally have to teach manners of please, thank you, and no, we don't insult someone like that because it's wrong. Just plain wrong.  We act in a calm and respectful manner, even when what is happening may not be, in our opinion, the correct version of what is right.

Anyway, never boring, is it?  And I can pretty much figure out by the number of office referrals and this wild parent behavior that the moon is full, even without looking at it.

Mid-life crisis

How old does one have to be to officially be having a mid-life crisis?

I'm trying to decide if I'm in one right now.  Dropped facebook because of old insecurities and new found voyeurism that sometimes confused me and made me wonder what I was doing.  Yet, I miss it sometimes.

I'm changing up my teaching style and teaching ways and trying new things.  I can't decide if I'm simply changing my expectations or lowering them or becoming a better teacher.  I just don't know.

I'm in bed now with questions bouncing around my head so much that I can't sleep, even after a chelada.  So, then I wonder if I need to be studying something or sharing things that are more spiritual based that teach me and challenge me.  But the questions are random.....some family related, like should I force my daughter who doesn't like Sunday school to go to it simply because it's church? Or is it?  Some professional related questions arise.  Lots of life questions come up and worries that I typically get through okay but suddenly things are big.  Like my butt.  Big.

So, there I am.  Out there. Wondering if I'm ever going to qualify as normal or if I ever want to.  Wondering if 44 is when mid-life hits and these are all normal things or whether I'm one step closer to insanity.

Then I wonder if I need to spend time learning the digital scrapbooking art from my buddy, Kelly, so when I need an outlet of creativity I could scrap my girls' lives, or better yet, our lives together.  Sigh.

Somebody, somewhere has to know the answers to all of these problems!  lol.  No, seriously.  Help.

Ah...silence.

And my house is filled with silence.  Not so sure I'm okay with that long term, but since it's Sunday night and when I wake in the morning we'll be back at it for five solid days, I'll take the silence for the moment. Not to mention the Little Princess didn't get a nap today so it was quite "un-silent" at my home between 7-8 pm.

Silence has typically been one of those things I've had a love/hate relationship with.  I'm an introvert with extrovert ability so I can step it up when needed, but I get zapped big time and need my introvertish moments of silence and alone time to recharge.  Introvert does not equal silence, but many times, it leads there.  During college I doubt silence was ever a part of my intentional world.  It was after college when I moved away from my friends and began life as a new teacher in Mitchell that I experienced my first real silence.  And I hated it.

I went through an awful "shedding of my youth" stage.  I have a few friends and a few former students who are going through the same thing right now.  I remember not getting life at all. I was doing what I wanted by being a teacher, and I was gainfully employed so all should be well, right?  Not so much.  I spent many nights sobbing. I spent many early mornings into the late evenings at school, avoiding the fact that I was no longer living in a dorm surrounded by my pals who were willing and able to spend time with me at a moment's notice.  And, they all liked me.  I had friends in Mitchell and eventually had a roommate that I enjoyed living with, but it was different.  I was ultimately stuck in the place that was slowly making life miserable for me. That place was where I sometimes find myself still on rare occasions and I call it the "popular lonely."  I had friends; I had invites to things. I had a person living with me and was surrounded by 120 kids all day long. Yet, lonely.

Eventually, this loneliness took over. Everything.  I ended up admitting my weakness to my sister, with that weakness being my utter desire to live had left.  I visited my friend's mom who was a doctor (yes, we can all say awkward together) who diagnosed me with clinical depression. This was my first bout with it, although as I look back, I know it's a family trait and a definite chemical thing with me. So, I found a counselor in Sioux Falls who loved me so much she had her husband hire me for the summer, but what I discovered with her guidance was that I merely had hit a point in life where my youth was colliding with adulthood and I wasn't ready for it, nor was I happy with it.  Reality of the fact that I was alone sunk in. It wasn't even the whole paying bills, going to work, and stuff like that.  It really was the whole I was missing being the big fish in a small pond at USF and was missing the assurance I felt while surrounded by those who loved me.  Now I was alone and had to figure out who the heck I was.  Tough waters to row through.  In fact, I hated those years.  I lost weight though, but so not the way to do it.

Looking back I survived.  It was lots of talks with my counselor and lots of introspection on my part that allowed me to realize being alone is okay.  Silence works sometimes.  Going to a movie alone wasn't going to land me on society's black list.  Eating out alone was even acceptable. Yet, the struggle continued and I would venture to say by the time I was 28, I had worked through much of it (although then the whole struggle with singleness began so life really is one phase after another).  But shedding that youth really brought to the surface things I had hidden from myself for years.  So, although painful, in the end, it served its purpose well in allowing me accept that in my life, there will be silence and it is something I must be willing to accept and in fact, welcome with open arms. So, I do, albeit with a solo tear streaming down one cheek sometimes....

And of course, there are my own kiddos.

Big and Little Princess continue to keep me busy.

Big Princess is loving school, but not as much as she loves after school care.  I wasn't sure how she'd do since this is the first time she's stayed at the school instead of going to Paula's, but she LOVES it.  When I show up to get her, I usually get a scowl and a, "You came too soon, Mom."  Of course, when I go to pick up Little Princess, I get the same attitude and the same desire to stay at daycare instead of coming home with me, so I'm beginning to pick up a pattern here.  Luckily, my self esteem issues aren't in those areas of my world!

Big Princess's latest fetish is catching moths.  Yes, moths.  I guess she does it at school, too because she said her school mates are calling her "creepy" because she and her friend prefer to catch moths, name them, hold them, talk to them, and so on.  Right now she is eating lunch with her new moth, Junior (they're all named Junior by the way) next to her on a napkin.  To me, Junior looks dead, but she is quite assured that he knows how to play dead and will even roll over on his back to show his ability.  Our lunch discussion was about raising moths and what ifs.

Little Princess is talking much more.  In fact, babbling is more accurate.  Constant babble is probably the definitive answer. The good news is I can understand most of it, but then there's that 10% I can't, which leads to major frustration on her part.  She is adjusting quite well to school hours and mommy being away.  She is even sleeping better at night, which equals mama sleeping better at night which equals happiness abounding compared to sleepless mama who lived at this house for over a year.  The fun thing to watch is her evolve in her speaking and understanding of our world.  At lunch a bit ago, she said, "More, Mama."  I gave her more to which she replied, "Thank you, Mama."  Then she burped really loudly (sister has taught her well) and she said, "Excuse me, Mama."  So, manners are there amidst the evil. ;o)

This morning mama slept in a bit because two little critters had crawled into bed with her and needless to say, that didn't work well as Little P didn't like it so she kept waking up and crying---about 8 times to be exact.  So, I had an excuse to sleep later than intended; however, I did get up in time to get off to church at 10:30.  At 10:30 is when our church offers Sunday school for elementary aged children and of course, they also have nursery and class available for Little Princess. I told them both they were going to Sunday school.  Big Princess threw a fit which allowed Little Princess to jump in and throw her fit.  I just kept driving and suddenly it was all quiet in the back seat.  I looked in the mirror to see them both with their hands folded and their heads bowed.  I asked Big Princess what was going on  and she replied with, "We're praying really hard that we can stay in church with you and not go to Sunday school."  The dilemma began.  I did keep them with me, but now I have to decide if that's the best decision or not.  Unfortunately, I can't discuss it now as Little P has decided mama has had her 10 mins on the computer and it's time for her to get off.  More later.....

Kids and their viewpoints....

The following are things my students wrote or said to me at some point this week.  Some are quite entertaining. Others meh.  Either way, they are things that make my job one of the most entertaining in the world.

1.  My grandma died which was bad, but not as bad as when my hamster did.

2.  I'm good at running away from a dog that just bit me.

3.  One of my favorite things to do is put butter on my dog.

4.  I haven't gotten in trouble yet this year.  (It was the first day of school.)

5.  I am fluffy and really want to get rid of some of this fluff. (A kid who is overweight wrote this.)

6.  I got asked out by the cutest guy in 6th grade.  I was so excited.  But five minutes later he broke up with me.

7.  I like nerf guns.  (Written by a small 7th grader who still plays with transformers while in front of all parents/kids at PST.)

8.  My mom took four pregnancy tests yesterday and all were positive.  She said they had been trying.  I find that she told me that a little awkward, don't you?

9.  I am really good at making my brother cry.

10.  Talking in front of the class makes me hyperventilate and then I sound like I have food in my mouth.

Refusal

What a week it's been.  Awesome start to the school year.  A few technological glitches here and there, but it appears most of those are solved.  The kids seem to be pretty darn normal for as abnormal as 12-13 year olds are.  I love being able to feel ready for the day and prepared for what's ahead simply because I'm healthy.  It's those little things I'm learning that make life so much richer than ever imagined.

Today brought an early challenge to the table.  The challenge reared its head in my last class of the day, my Class Within a Class as it is called, which basically means there's a plethora of special ed students in my class and a special ed teacher with me to assist.  One of those lovely children, whom I felt I had a good rapport with, suddenly got angry at me for asking him to research his birthday.  We're doing Pieces of Me books and this year I'm breaking it into smaller segments so it's not so overwhelming, thus we're starting now with the first page of the book which is called "The History of My Birthday."  I gave them a sheet to fill in, websites to visit, complete examples and instructions to follow, so I felt like all were ready for it.  Not Tony.  Holy smokes!

Me:  Tony, you need to start writing things down when you see them on the website.
Him: This is a stupid project and I am not doing it.  I'm just going to take an F.
Me:  Hmm, that's not an acceptable option.
Him:  I hate books.
Me:  This is a book about you.
Him:  I'm not doing it. (Tears welling up, voice quavering)
Me:  C'mon, you gotta try. (Trying to distract)  Look, here's some things that happened on your birthday.
Him:  Those are stupid.  I already know I was born on Groundhog Day.  That's enough.
Me:  That's a cool fact to include, but it won't get you through 150 words of writing.
Him:  I'll write 55 words.  Will you take that?
Me:  I'll take 150 which I showed you yesterday was not that much if you get enough facts to fill it in.
Him:  (Tears well)  I hate books. I am not going to do it.

Although I've been at this job for 20 years, it never ceases to amaze me the balls that kids today have. I can't ever remember any of my classmates ever daring to refuse to do a project.  Especially one that was as cool as this one and one that I basically am making simple enough for any student no matter what level they function at, to complete.  I had to walk away simply because I wasn't going to engage him anymore and I wasn't going to lose it over this battle. (Did I mention that while this was going on, my mom was at the ER at the Heart Hospital in SF and I had no clue whether it was heart related or what was going on, so I was a little on edge and distracted.)  Either way, I clearly wanted him to understand that although he may think he is going to get away with just taking an F, that isn't going to happen.  I emailed his counselor and the assistant principal to allow them to intervene in this situation before he started to bank on what he thinks was his choice----to fail.  I have a feeling this is going to be a battle in the end, but I believe I am willing to die on this hill because I am sick and tired of kids repeatedly deciding, "I'll just take the zero" instead of deciding, "I'll try to do it."   What is it going to take to turn this generation around or even turn it in a direction that is an acceptable path to follow?  Sigh.  What a day.

Seriously.

Tonight I question my decision to parent two alone.  That's just about all I can say about that.

One day closer to summer...

Day one is over.  Complete.  Finished.  Kaput.  Actually, it went awesome.  I had fun today and realized that God has placed me exactly where I need to be.  I love my job.  Middle school kids make me laugh all the time and middle school teachers jump in where the kids leave off and make me giggle even more.  It's been a long day, but one I would say was a great beginning to my 20th year. To celebrate, I shall indulge in a chelada and some pretzels.  Cheers!

Family update:  Big Princess started 3rd grade.  She had a great day and loves her new teacher and her only disappointment was she didn't get any homework.  She also informed me that in her entire class, she is the only kid who wrote down reading as her favorite thing to do in the summer.  That's my girl!  Another highlight of her day was when the teacher gave them an hour to arrange their desks and all of their new school supplies.  Organizing and touching new markers, pens, pencils and so on is one of the Big Princesses fetishes so she was in Staples heaven.  Man, I love that kid.

Little Princess greeted me with a crown on her head she had made at Paula's with a little jig to go with that crown.  Happy to see me, yet excited to be with Paula.  A perfect world.

The furry children, Jersey and Bailey are not happy campers.  They are neglected and needing to be brushed and hugged. Soon, my furry critters, soon.

Peace, please.

For 20 years now I've had the same issue on the night before the first day of school.  I can't sleep.  I can't get to sleep, I can't stay asleep, I can't sleep.  I even thought this year would be different because ultimately, my room is ready, my class lists are printed (although will need to be reprinted as changes have happened miraculously through the weekend), my plans for the entire week are laid out.  I even have the stuff I need to take to school packed and ready to go.  And yet, it is almost midnight and exactly three hours ago I took two Excedrin PM's to help with the headache I'd been fighting all day and to knock me on my behind so I could sleep.  Unfortunately, it hasn't helped me sleep.  Fortunately, the headache has been depleted.  My bladder is even empty.  What the heck?  I would expect this from a first or even fifth year teacher, but after 20 years?

Needless to say, I would venture to guess many of my colleagues are in the same sleepless boat I am in right now.  Add to that the many students who are anxious and nervous all at the same time and that first day of school is quite an adventure.  The Big Princess had her lunch for tomorrow packed at 2 PM today. She had her school supplies all in her backpack and labeled by 2:30.  Then, her entire week's worth of clothes are laid in their respective hanging organizer, all done by 3 PM.  So, what was left for her?  The brooding.  The fretting.  The "Mom, what ifs" that we had to talk through.

"Mom, what if kids call me short?"
I replied, "Say thank you with a big smile." (Which I then demonstrated.)
"Really?"
I smiled.  "Nah, let's do it this way.  Say thank you with a big smile but add the southern accent to it."
She giggled.
I continued.  "And if they call you Chinese in a bad way, say the same thing.  If they make fun of anything about you, say it.  Now say it for me."
"Thank you (said by an amazingly cute Chinese kid with a southern accent)!"
Perfect.

I just walked into her room a few minutes ago and watched her sleep, peacefully.  I stared at her as she breathed in and out, without a care in the world.  Then, I wiped tears away as I realized the time she is in my household and my daily constant care are slipping through my fingers every second.  So, I prayed a blessing on her, seeking not only peace for me, but asking for continued peace for her as she faces tomorrow's unknowns.

Continuing down the hall with a furry friend right by my side the whole way, I decided maybe writing will help give me the peace so needed.  My heart is burdened with former students whose lives are a mess. It's burdened with current students whose lives I'm about to enter who have so many battles within their little hearts and heads.  I'm concerned about the future of not only these kids but of education as a whole.  Where are we heading specifically?  Technology has changed our world and to me, it's made it so darn scary even the good things about it.  My two year old will graduate in 2026. What will education be like THEN?  (Which, by the way, will be when I'm 60!)

Okay, so this whole use writing to gain peace thing isn't going to work tonight.  I think I'll go count my new pens and pencils.

Bye, bye summer clothes....

I just put on my dress clothes since I'll be spending most of my day at a wedding.  Shoes with the entire foot covered have now been placed on my feet. By the end of today, my feet will hurt and be rebelling against being covered.  Mostly, though, I'm going to miss my sloven style that I adore.  Huge, baggy clothes that are typically stained by my two year old and tshirts with holes starting from wearing them so much.  I never have placed much value on my fashion, but it's probably because I've struggled with my weight for so long I pretty much feel I will always look like crap no matter what I wear.  Yeah, I know.  Self-esteem issues galore, but this area is the main one that has never left me since middle school. I have goals always, to lose weight so I can actually conquer this once and for all, but so far the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  And how I went from wearing shoes for the first time in awhile to this sorely sad and awkward topic, I will never know.  My brain is quite random 99% of the time.  Anyway, I will try to avoid getting boogers on my burgandy shirt and navy pants since I still have about 30 mins with my kids and dogs.  Oh crap.  Forgot about the dogs and the issues they bring with navy and burgandy.....

Family update:  Say prayers for the Little Princess who started with boogers a week ago and then it got better and now it's worse again and I start school and can't miss the first day for sure, much less the first week.  I guess I could if she was sick enough, but we're kind of in limbo stage of sick but not so sick yet sick enough.  So, pray she just gets healed and we'll have answers then.

Cake Punk!

I never did talk about why I was so proud of the Big Princess last Sunday. So, figured since today pretty much held not a whole lot of anything but school prep, I'd touch on that.

The Big Princess has taken a huge interest in the show Cake Boss and any shows dealing with cake decorating, creating, and so on.  Many times she's said maybe she'll grow up and be the artist for Cake Boss--you know, the ones who take the chocolate and mold it into figurines and so on.  But for now, she makes cakes.  She does these amazing things simply by looking at a picture and then putting it on a cake.  All we know how to do is make star tips and dots and letters but we've not been trained except by my friend Jen who helped me survive the Little Princess's Elmo cake.  So, these are what the Big Princess made Sunday.  I baked the cakes and helped her get the first layer of frosting smooth, but from then on, all I did was color the frosting and she did it on her own.  Pretty amazing, eh?

T.I.R.E.D.

13 hours away from my kids + school meetings most of the day + picking up the girls simply to have Mataya scream her head off because she wanted to stay with her daycare lady instead of coming home with her mama = me.

And it's only just begun....

Hmmm....interesting

These are the things I learned today:

1. When it's 100 degree heat index outside, the inside of your car is so hot that it can make the lid pop off a bottle of rubber cement.
2. When it's 100 degree heat index outside, inside the car is so hot that half a bottle of water felt like a cup of hot coffee when touched.
3. When it's 100 degree heat index outside, the inside of the car is so hot it can also blow the top off a mostly finished bottle of diet root beer which can then drain all over your car seat. 
4. When you try to put a contact into a plastic cleaner thing, you better do it quickly because when it gets a little dry, it will rip.  And it doesn't matter that you just opened the new contact this morning. 
5. I also learned that my paneling isn't a simple pull off the wall type thing.  It is tongue in groove (I think that's how you write it) which means removing it to check if my insulation is wet and moldy isn't going to be an easy task. However, the holes drilled in the bottom showed dry wood, so maybe I'll get lucky? 
6. Today I learned that I should have practiced getting up at 6:00 AM much earlier than today.....

Watching bug life

A few weeks ago a friend of mine who is a science teacher took us to get some caterpillars from a garden. She had been watching them make chrysalises and turn into butterflies and when I heard that, I wanted my girls to get that experience.  So, off we went, braving mosquitoes and chickens, but coming home with seven caterpillars.  One died (taps plays now).  Herein documents our experiences with the bugs.

The caterpillars storing up food.

The first three chrysalises.

A late bloomer hanging on the side of the container.

All six chrysalises two days ago.

Our beautiful surprise when we got home tonight!

And so it begins....

Tomorrow is B Day. No, not birthday.  Not blonde day.  Beginning Day.  As a teacher, the actual New Year's Day doesn't really mean a whole lot to me except that I will be heading back to school soon and I need to get my papers together for taxes.  However, B Day is kind of my New Year's Day.

Tomorrow will be the day I start my 20th year of teaching.  Holy crapoli.  20 years. And every one of them was spent with 13 year olds in some aspect---either 13 going on 14 or 12 going on 13.  This means that declaration of insanity is certainly within my realm and within my rights so there.  Have I changed in those 20 years?  Definitely.  I'm cuter.

Tomorrow will be the day I will make resolutions.  I will resolve to drink more water.  I will resolve to be more patient. I will resolve to make school as fun as I can for me.  Who cares about the kids?  :o)  And just as resolutions on Jan 1st, these may not make it very far, but I still like the exhilaration of trying.

Tomorrow will also be the day I get ideas. Okay, so maybe I've been getting ideas all summer, but tomorrow it will all seem real because everyone will be back at work and the building will be buzzing and I will be asked one hundred times if I had a good summer to which I will reply one hundred times, "Yes, but didn't it go fast?"  To which they will reply, "Yes it did."

Tomorrow will be a great day.  Compared to a year ago, life is amazing.  I'm healthy (knock on wood someone!).  I've got a sickly baby right now, but for the most part she is sleeping better (still sucky for a 2 year old, but BETTER and that is all I asked for) so I in turn, get more rest which is critical.  I have a grasp on my curriculum this year, which I didn't last year.  I even have ideas for new things and of course, I work with an amazing teacher and friend, Miss McBride who constantly inspires me and spurs on my ideas while sharing hers.

So, I probably could wear one of those "Life is Good" tshirts tomorrow and really mean it.  But I'll probably wear a snarky one instead.  Cheers to 2010!  Happy New Year!

My New Favorite Friend: The Shop Vac

It rained.  No, it downpoured.  No, the skies opened up and spewed its anger all over my area of town again.  Need I say more?

Just a little background....in 2004 I lived in a small, quaint little house that Big Princess and I outgrew. So, I put it on the market and it sold within hours.  THAT'S how cute it was.  The house had its cuteness, but also its evil side with water in the basement being one of those.  On Memorial Day weekend, after having sold the house and finding a new one I was going to purchase, we got what the weather men dubbed "100 year rain" which I video taped as the water rushed down the street and was high enough to touch the realty sign. Then I went downstairs where there was 9 inches of standing water, even though I had just spent $7000 out of my pocket to put in drain tile and sump pit and re-do concrete work, etc.  With the help of friends, including my realtor and mortgage guy, we got it out within 24 hours, the sheet rock was able to be saved, but not the carpet and a few other things that were floating and in boxes.  Note: if you store in cardboard, BUY BINS!  The buyer walked through the house the day of the flooding with her boss, who happened to be the man in charge of some city department that actually dealt with drains and streets, and she stayed in the deal after he told her I had done everything I could and it was fluke deal.

Three weeks later that "100 year rain" came back.  With a vengeance. Beyond belief.  I watched and sobbed as the water was high enough to come in my back door and run down my steps, pour into my windows and the sump pump just couldn't keep up.  This time 14 standing inches by the time it was done, walls ruined, washer ruined, and buyer backed out. I closed on my new house in two weeks.  However, within two weeks, I had that place cleaned up and the walls repaired and repainted and so on. I do believe that is when my ulcers began now that I think about it. Anyway, it went back on the market.  For another four months.  Eventually, it sold and I moved into a house that was "water safe."

However, for the first year in my new house, every single time it rained, no matter how much or how hard, I would get anxiety attacks.  My heart would race, I would sweat and the feeling of sobbing would come over me.  I would always wake up and walk all around the house, checking every corner, nook and cranny (weird word that is) for any wetness and it literally took a year before I would sleep through the rain again in comfort knowing I was safe.

Fast forward to the summer of 2010.  Must have been "100 years ago" that I had those floods because I swear we are having those rains again.  And yes, the water has returned.  There is no sump pit in this house (that's how safe it was) and the first time it came in, the carpet and pad had to go.  The second time I caught it in time to stop it from going more than a foot away from the wall.  And yes, folks, the anxiety attacks are back.  At 4:20 this morning, I heard a thunderclap and the racing of the heart began.  The Little Princess was restless due to a stuffy nose, so she was awake off and on, so I couldn't even sneak away to try to subside the fears suddenly overtaking me.  At 5 AM, I finally got away from the octopus child and went into the basement to see my fears weren't just fears, but had become reality. The water was coming in again!  The towels came out and my neighbor's large shop vac was started and for 50 minutes I vacuumed and sucked up that water, trying not to cry, wondering what is going to fix this mess.  The good news is I do feel I located the problem as I looked at the window to see how the coverings were helping and saw it had filled!  Appears the water is coming in there and running down the wall. Sigh.  My only consolation, now that I've had the cardio workout for my heart with the anxiety attack, is that my neighbors get four inches in their basement and my other one got sewage so I will take my "Shop Vac Conquered Trickle" and be okay with it.

My Last Sunday Without the Monday Blues....

It is my last Sunday night before I head back to face the school year.  Typically I love Sundays because it's usually a low key day of church and football in the fall.  With The Little Princess in our world now, not sure how much football will be able to be enjoyed, but hey, it will still be on simply because it's American and I'm all over that part of America.  But I digress....

Sunday's also are strange evenings for me. About 3 PM my body starts to switch gears from the laid back, sucking down a diet coke with the Broncos playing in the background to sudden panic.  Not much different than the students who wait until 10 PM on Sunday to start their homework; however, the difference is if I'm not ready, life for me is much more miserable than it is for them, with "them" being my students.  This is also the day we, as a family, plan for the week ahead.  The Big Princess lays out her week's worth of clothes after we glance at the weather forecast, which typically means diddly in the end, but we try.  I notice she also tenses up a bit as we both know, in a few short hours, that stinking alarm will scream at us and our week will begin similar to the start of the Kentucky Derby with less mud.

Somehow, I want to change that.  I want to take back my Sundays and my stress level by feeling prepared and confident. When I taught Humanities, a semester class that repeated and a subject that had virtually no homework and simply no importance attached to it regarding "The Tests," Sundays were awesome!  I knew I had nothing to correct and I knew that in the morning, I would be teaching a topic I adored and was more than ready for.  Yes, I changed things up in Humanities all the time, but it was down to a science and it was also a class where the kids definitely worked harder than I did.  I don't think that's possible in Language Arts.  There's so many requirements placed upon us by the district and so much rides on our test scores that I can't imagine figuring out ways to make them work harder than me without correcting until my eyes bleed. So, I have a goal.  Less work me, more work them, less correcting me, more writing them. How in the world this is going to work beats me, but what is life without a challenge?

Family Update:  It rained tonight.  AGAIN.  No water in the basement so far.  The Little Princess did not have any hives today.  The Big Princess made me so proud of her yet once again, but I'll save that for the next blog.....maybe even with pictures.

Mowing Conversation....

The girls and I attended a 3 yr old birthday party all afternoon.  They had a blast and the heat and humidity was quite exciting. Mataya was dripping wet within the first 30 minutes, yet that didn't stop her from playing her heart out.  Which is why I have some more free moments!  She's sacked out!  I don't suppose I should put an exclamation point behind that and sound quite as excited as I am, but hey, I'm being real.

So, after returning home, I was quite sweaty and smelly myself and decided the lawn that I have a love/hate mostly hate relationship with needed to be mowed in the next day or two anyway so I sent the girls inside with their bags of candy and a movie and gave strict instructions to eat only three pieces and watch the movie while I mow. (What are the odds they followed both of those instructions!)  As soon as I opened the shed, it started.  THE conversation with God I have when I mow.

Me: Seriously, God, I hate this lawn.
God: So, you've said before.
Me: These hills. They almost kill me!
God: Be thankful you have legs that work to mow them.
Me: I suppose.  But my back is killing me and I have cramps.
God:  Take that up with Adam and Eve.
Me: Nice. I'm sweating so much it's running into my eyes and burning!
God: Aren't you glad you can see and feel in your eyes?
Me: I don't think my neighbors appreciate my lifting of my T-shirt to wipe the sweat though.  I'm too old for this.
God: Try being me.
Me:  I believe that's my problem.  I try to be you in my world.  And thus, I fail.  And so, I whine.
God:  Yep.
Me:  As I was dealing with the Littlest Princess and her whining which is non-stop right now, I wondered if that's what I sound like to you.  Especially when I mow.  Have I mentioned I hate mowing?
God: I just like when you talk to me, even if you think it's whining.  I hear nothing annoying.  Simply your voice.
Me:  Seriously? What the heck?  I'm annoying as all get out when it comes to many things.
God: I love you.
Me:  Why?
God:  You're perfect. You're amazing. You're my beloved and there's absolutely nothing I don't like about you. You know how much you love those girls?  Nothing compared to my love for you. So, shut up and mow.
Me:  Can I have a chelada afterward?
God: As you wish.

Just wondering....

Last night the girls and I went to Sanford and met Ida Joy-Emma, who was an adorable 7 lb "new baby" as The Little Princess would say.  I held her for a bit and the girls looked at her and The Little Princess touched her head about a hundred times. It was one of those times when everything in the world seems right and good and true.  Ida is a miracle baby to add to the beauty of having her here with us, outside the womb.  Yes, I said womb.

Holding a baby that small makes me wonder what birthing a child would be like.  Not the pain and gore, but just the whole process. What would it feel like to have a little being inside kick you?  How would it feel to hear the heartbeat?  And then, what in the world goes through your mind as you hold that messy little one as soon they've made his/her grand entrance?  But alas, this will never be an experience of mine, unless of course, God chooses immaculate conception through me, which is pretty rare odds I believe.

As I held Ida, I realized just how much of my own daughters' lives I missed out on.  And yet, I know they were placed in my heart long before either of them were born.  As soon as I decided to adopt, it's weird but this Chinese baby face came to my mind and heart and was there the entire time I waited.  For The Big Princess, that wait was 2 years, for The Little Princess, it was 4.  It's really quite bizarre because both babies looked different to me in my mind and of course, when I finally was matched and received their pictures, they looked different again.  I wonder if that picture was my mind's way of being a mom mentally as well as being one in my heart.  Some adoptive parents have the same situation where there is a baby in their heart and mind as soon as the process begins, which is why it is so tragic when an adoption is interrupted or ended.  Anyway, just some thoughts to babble on and wonder about.

Family update:  My eye feels better, still not 100% but clearly on the way.  Little Princess is still getting hives, but not as much.  Big Princess is currently taking a shower and invited Little Princess in, which I can tell by the screaming and singing is going well.  Little Princess informed me she wants to stay naked today so it should be interesting....

True Dat

As I sit in my empty classroom today, I again get a rush of emotions.  One is excitement, believe it or not. This is year 20 for me. By now one would assume I would have this down pat. Not so much.  I am always changing things up and trying new things and this year will prove to be a challenge to me yet again.  So, the excitement comes from newness if that makes sense.

Another feeling I have is that of being overwhelmed.  I take my job as a teacher fairly seriously. I know there are many times I've not done well and not hit the goals I have as a teacher. One of those goals is to make each kid know how incredible s/he is. It's a tough thing to do when the product I'm dealing with is 13 and typically hormonally driven. Add to that my impatience and my zero tolerance for idiotic behavior and you can see where not each kid will feel "incredible" after I'm done with them.  Most of them probably feel the need for therapy, I assume. In defense of my critique of me, I handwrote to every student I had last year and tried to specifically find their talent and encourage that as they start 8th grade. It did take about 15+ hours to do those cards, but ultimately, my hope is they see them as truth. 

One of my goals is to be more consistent in my prayers for my students.  I've always been a firm believer that when you are praying for someone, it is really hard to not like them. And yes, there are kids I have a hard time liking some of the time. Long ago I would sit in those students' desks before or after school, and ask God to help me see life through their eyes so I can show compassion and love for them since I know every one of us has our own battles we fight daily.  It did help, but as does everything in my world, it got consumed by the whole busyness of life. I want to bring that back this year.

Speaking of this year, better get at it. 

Family Updates:  The Little Princess still has hives after three days on steroids.  My pink eye ended up being an ulcerated eye instead (the extreme pain caused me to go in to my eye doc which saved my eye!) and I'm on meds for a few more days. It's much better once the steroids/antibiotic started working.  We didn't get sewage in our basement although all of the stuff is now in the garage for safety since rain is in the weekend forecast. Bring it on.....

Good Morning Pink Eye Style

As I gained semi-consciousness this morning, it dawned on me that either there was some major size plank in my eye or I had pink eye.  After stumbling into the bathroom, I switched on the light and suddenly the plank turned into a knife and the pain soared from a 7 to a 10 (that's hospital talk you know).  Once I was able to pry my eyes open, yank out my contacts and survey the damage, I believe it was indeed pink eye. So, there you have it.  The third in the whole "bad things come in threes" superstition.

And yet, the day will go on and I will embrace it as well as a women with PMS and pink eye can.

And so it goes....

A few weeks ago I had a pre-school dream where I lost all of my teeth.  One by one.  Although psychology says that dream has various meanings, including financial distress, I figured the main reason I had it was I saw that very large proverbial boulder heading down the hill toward me.  That boulder is called, the first day of school.  Thus, I've been working at Edison quite a bit which has been good, since I get to see other adults, reunite with some team members, stalk Revier and her cooler (which rarely leaves her side) and of course, collaborate with my buddy across the hall, Miss McBride.

The funny of the day today:  Miss McBride has a bulletin board up I'm going to copy. So, I printed some outlines of some large fonted words and walked into her room to compare the sizes.  She had former students, three boys to be specific, chatting with her. Upon entering and comparing the letters, I exclaimed, "Aw man, yours is bigger."  You can imagine where 13 year old boys went with that comment and the giggling began.  Although it wasn't meant to go there, it did and I must admit, it was my laugh for the day. But, you may have had to be there to appreciate it fully.

The not so funny part of today: The Little Princess came home from daycare covered in huge red welts which seemed too big to be hives.  But, within an hour, they disappeared.  Relieved, I figured acute care wouldn't get to see my cute face. Alas, I jumped the gun. We ended up visiting my acute care friends, who now are willing to go out for coffee with me since they've seen me so much this last year, at 8 PM to find out that indeed these were the largest hives the doctor had ever seen.  Prednisone will now be her drug of choice for the next three days. Choice. Yeah, right.  I guess if you call screaming mightily while mama holds her down and sister shoots the meds in her mouth followed by mama plugging her nose so she can't breath and has to swallow, then yeah, it's her drug of choice.

Really big bummer:  Downpour at 10.  Water back in basement at 11.  Crap. Crap. Crap.

Facebook Runaway

Yep, I'm a quitter.  I left the almighty social networking mega-giant a few days ago.  My friend called me a facebook runaway and it gave me a chuckle.  The decision didn't come easily and I will admit that there have been moments where I've wanted to jump on the FB wagon again and just watch it all happen.  Yet, I've restrained myself.  Why you ask?  Does it really matter?  Seriously, it's simply a network of friends being friends.....OR IS IT?

About a month ago I began getting these strange feelings regarding facebook. I had already gone through my list of over 600 friends and "hid" the few who either posted idiotic things that drove me nuts, posted 100 times a day, or posted, for lack of a better explanation, f#%% as their entire status. I read posts announcing a divorce and posts where one ex was trashing another only to read as their child piped in trying to mediate these moronic adults. I had bypassed the Farmville addicts and outran the Mafia Wars and honestly couldn't tell you where to even begin to play any of these games on FB since I wasn't on it for the games.   None of these steps helped this nagging inside me. Suddenly, I saw this friend post to another friend's status and I clicked on his name to see his current status and it told me I had to be his friend! GASP! Horror struck as I realized I had been dumped on facebook.

So, I did the whole replay in my mind of why anyone would dump me on facebook.  Most people seemed to like my posts.  I'm sure I annoyed some, but I consider that simply being who I am--annoying at times. Upon messaging him, his reply was that I depressed him so he didn't want to read my updates anymore. I respected that.  I disagreed, but respected it.  That wasn't the biggest issue though.  What baffles me is that I suddenly felt like I was in high school again, worrying about who liked me and who didn't, whether I offended someone or not, weighing every word posted to the point where it was painful.  In high school I also felt that when I was funny, I was popular.  When I was serious and contemplative, which is actually the REAL me, so not popular.  Then it hit me.  It was time to say adios to facebook and allow myself to once again, not be a part of a group. (Never been big on group memberships.)  So, that, my friends is the root of my running.  Totally a personal choice.  One that will eventually free me in a way I've needed to be free.  One that I'm proud of making. Usually.