Stations...it's the simple things...

In the midst of the chaos I call my mind, I decided today would be different for my girls.  I would give them assigned places, called stations (or if you're an elementary teacher, centers)  where they would spend at least 30 minutes of time. It was a brainstorm I had at the spur of the moment when I realized the heat and humidity was going to make it quite miserable for my children who basically melt when they get too warm.  Thus, stations.

The stations were basic....first was watercolor painting, of which I participated.  The second was a tea party complete with fruities, lemonade, and rice cakes.  The third was a Barbie station where I didn't completely participate, but I set it up in the Big Princesses room and helped them get things going. We followed that with a visit to Hobby Lobby to spend a gift card (the never-ending stock of crafts were added to once again) and then we watched a G movie while Little Princess slept on me.  And scene.  It was successful.

Successful in many ways really. The girls were happy to get time with me and to have me directly assign them things to do. In fact, they are already asking for it again.  But what I find most interesting was my focus on them took the slump out of my day and it reminded me that even though there were friends out golfing, friends meeting for a quiet adult conversation-filled lunch, and friends on a beach somewhere enjoying life, I was watching these two little creatures I adore creatively play. They let their minds do the work. They laughed.  They giggled.  They screamed. They ran. They argued.  My three year old even said, "Chill your deal" to me when I was on her to settle down (thank you, Big Princess for making Little Princess your slang slave).

Am I still slumping?  Probably for a long time. I'm a processor....a muller.....a chewer of thoughts that take me sometimes through valleys I would rather avoid but in order to grow, I must travel through them.  And more importantly, at least I hope, it brings me to a place where I'm able to seek God earnestly, intentionally and completely, not just out of need or out of want, but because I truly love Him.  Giving today a gold star....

Different places, different times.

It's that time of year again. Time when people are vacationing and doing all kinds of fun things with life.  Social networking has made it nearly impossible to not notice how exciting life can be.  For others.  I have come to a place again, maybe a slump of sorts even, where I feel friendless, lonely, and bored.  It's all perception and it's all pretty much my own issue I know.  Another insecurity to work through, another hurdle to jump. Part of me blames Satan...seriously. I've been working hard this summer on learning about me, about God and about conquering issues that come with being human.  That usually is when Satan has a field day with me.  When I'm doing things right in God's eyes or at least trying to learn and grow in the correct way.

Here's the deal.  Having children changed my life forever.  Yes, I'll say for the better mostly because everyone else ends that statement with those words.  It's not that I don't treasure my kids or my role as mom to them because I do. They're the loves of my life and I would literally give my life for either of them in a heartbeat.  It's not about not loving them. It's about jealousy on my part.  People my age have teens or older kids.  People my age are taking trips with girlfriends that are just the adults.  People my age have others who call them regularly and ask them to get together for girls night out or supper or whatever.  I became a mom at a later age so at the time when I was single and free and able to afford more outings, my friends weren't because they were raising children and now that they're free as birds and out all the time, I'm raising my children.  Would I change it?  Not necessarily.  I feel like I'm a better mom because of the wisdom my age has brought to me than I would have been at 23. But, of course there are drawbacks, too, but this isn't an age discussion.  That will have to be a later post.  So, ultimately, I find myself sitting home with the kids 99% of the time.  I guess that's what parenting is. But when you're single and don't have adult conversation or fun sometimes, it gets to be a little old.  I thought I had friends.  I was homecoming queen for pete's sake. But in the last two days,  I've texted four people simply to reconnect, only to be ignored.  I've emailed two, ignored by one.  My phone has rung five times in the last two days---four of those were family calls, one was my financial advisor at Edward Jones.  What does all of this mean?

Good question. Are we all under these misconceptions that everyone else in the world is having a better life than we are?  Is it normal to feel jealous when I see yet another status update about "another wonderful girls night out" or "just returned from a trip to....."  Is God happy with me right now or is He shaking his head wondering when I'm going to "get it?"  I'm not sure if what I've got is jealousy, envy, insecurity or all rolled into one.  Then there's the flip side of the coin where my daughters come into play and I look at them and wonder if I'm doing them a disservice by being their bored mom who spends lots of time at home with them---although we do things together and they have mostly done creative play this summer which makes me proud of their imaginations---but I still wonder.

Anyway.....just another summer slump.  I refuse to be a downer for long though because I know that if I feel lonely now (from people, not from God) then I will really feel lonely if I let on that I'm slumping.  Sad, but true.

Why is it so hard to accept?

Just came home from my Saturday morning Bible study.  It's a Beth Moore study with lots of work to complete, but I resonate with her so well that it doesn't always seem like work.  This week we focused on God's Unfailing Love. It brought me to a question I couldn't answer. Why can't I accept God's unfailing love more? Why do I continue to go back to the notion that there's really no way He could truly have this love so deeply for me that it would be labeled unfailing?

I get that He loves me.  Adores me to be exact. Calls me Beloved which is a term of major endearment. For goodness sake He allowed his Son to die an excruciating death because He loved me so deeply and unfailingly.  Yet, I don't accept it. It's my issue, I know.  He really can't do anything more to show me His love than he has already done.  He has never let me down or abandoned me for even a second.  And yet, is it my pride that makes me feel that just maybe, in a moment unexpected, He will say, "Enough. I'm done. I've tried and tried and you won't accept my unfailing love, which by the way, is a sin."

I've put God in a human form. I don't know any other form.  Trust is one of my weakest character traits and allowing the control and power escape from me to give to Him must be the issue.  I know there's tons of psychological studies that could be done on me (scary to imagine what they'd come up with) simply to tell me I have baggage, which honestly, who doesn't, and that I need to blame my parents, or society, or my brothers who would tickle me until I peed.  But seriously, I'm to blame.  It's my weakness and I need to turn it to a strength or I won't be able to get through parenting these amazing gifts God has given to me.

So, how do you accept God's unfailing love?

Three

Ever wonder why they call the age of two the "terrible twos?"  I didn't until I had a two year old (Little J) who was quite compliant and sweet compared to the three year old she became. But that, my friends, was minor compared to her at the age of four. Wow, I still shiver when I go back down that memory lane.  Fast forward to now.  The Little Princess is three. There really isn't a set saying for being three like there is for two, but I could certainly come up with a few! (Like

I hate to be a redundant parent who complains about stages. I truly do.  However, I'm not sure if I will survive this stage she is in, especially being with the child 24/7 this summer. There is this noise that comes out of her mouth constantly...and it's not a fun noise like a chirp or blip....and it's not a gross noise like a burp...it's WHINING.  No, not winning like Charlie Sheen would say, but pretty much as annoying.  She has this way with her voice that is driving me to lots of things that aren't even as calm as drinking.  That sounded way worse than it is, but you get the point.  And yet, amidst this whine is this child who is quick to apologize once she realizes she is in trouble, and she will look me in the eye each time and ask, "Mommy, will you forgive me?" in this Little Princess voice that melts my heart. I do know that is simply her way of manipulating me into loving her again, but it's cute so I'll let it go.  The child IS brilliant and will someday rule the world.  However, until then, she is mine to raise and as of this moment, I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed and under-skilled.

Do ya ever wonder what your parents would have written about you if they had blogged when you were little?  I know it may be quite a stretch for most of you to imagine, but I was a shy, quiet and very compliant child until about middle school years when I wasn't quiet and shy anymore (but I still did obey my parents, teachers and other adults believe it or not).  I don't want people to think the Little Princess is icky or just plain naughty through my portrayals of her, yet, this is my venting place and honestly, right now she is nothing but naughty and icky. I don't love her any less. I don't blame her.  I know that much of the problem is her dad.  Okay, that even made me smile.  Seriously, though, what is it that makes a toddler the ruler?  They ARE you know.  Think of how many conversations are stopped by your toddler. Think of how many times your plans have changed because of your toddler.  Think of the "compromises" made because a toddler stopped something when the compromise happened. Yep, they rule and I'm not quite sure how to dethrone the little turd.

I discipline.  I'm definitely one who demands structure and tries hard to stay on a regular schedule for them.  I try to teach respect and show love.  God is a part of our day and although I fail often, I try to model what love should look like. This kid is relentless and is wearing me down.  Have no fear though, I shall rise up and take back my domain.  Soon. I promise. (Okay so ultimately, it may not be mine again for another year, but I'm not giving up hope yet!)

Speaking of domains, my bed is currently housing Little Princess who is no doubt gaining strength to rule tomorrow as I lose strength by staying awake late.  On that note, better head to the Land of Nod where I'm Queen again.....