The T word

I read a quote I found quite awesome by one of my favorite authors, Max Lucado. 


"God loves those who need him most, who rely on him, depend on him, and trust in him in everything. Little he cares whether you’ve been as pure as John or as sinful as Mary Magdalene. All that matters is your trust in him."


I love this quote for various reasons, one being that I can totally relate to being the Mary Magdalene part (well, maybe not EXACTLY like her, yet you get the drift) and I love to once again hear that God loves me regardless of my sin, in spite of my sin and with my sinful daily life.  Yet, the intriguing part to me is the part that says "trust him in everything." 


Trust has never been my strong suite.  After the rape when I was four, I remember trusting no man. Literally.  I don't think my family ever noticed or knew what was going on, but I could NOT remember the face of the man who raped me, only his words and the fact that he was my dad's friend.  Thus, any man who was my dad's friend made me terrified except for a couple that I knew didn't do it since they were around our house regularly and I knew them.  When I would meet new men, I freaked out.  I know my anxiety began then and carried into many areas of my life, still affecting me at times today.  But the biggest thing that happened was the loss of trust overall.  And this issue has been huge with me since that day.  Actually, to infinity and beyond if you want to get technical.  My singleness is due to lack of trust---no man could convince me that I could trust him enough to give him "me" forever.  And so it goes. 


But God is different obviously.  I can quickly say I trust him.  I can give examples of how trusting Him has given me so much peace in my world.  And yet, it still is the single hardest thing for me to do in my life with Christ.  I wonder if it's because I swore that I would never be out of control again in my life after that brutal night when I was four.  Which has proven true; although I may sound like alcohol is my best friend, I've never been drunk and I've never been high nor have I been in situations where I wasn't in some semblance of control.  And yet, God asks, no requires, complete trust. 


What does that look like?  Does it look like a single person waiting for a country for many years to match her with her daughter that she trusts is out there?  Does it look like a daughter sitting by her parents' hospital beds trusting God will heal them?  Does it look like a new mama holding her daughter who is injured and screaming, trusting everything will be okay?  Does it look like the pet owner who is holding her loving dog in her arms as it dies, trusting her heart that is broken will get better in time?  Or does it look like someone giving everything away trusting God will return it all and more?  Or someone pouring over God's word constantly, trusting to find answers to life's complexities?  Maybe it looks like one whose head is bowed daily, fervently, regularly, in reverence and obedience.  


Trust.  Small word.  Huge meaning. Massive wall to scale in my life.