Today would be my dad's 76th birthday had he lived past 66. Hard to believe 10 years ago was the last time I sent him a birthday card or wished him a happy birthday over the phone. It actually was when his cancer was beginning to make its presence known, but he of course, was hiding it from us.
By October of 2000 he had gone to the doctor for xrays because of a pain in his back. The xrays showed nothing of course but when I was home for hunting in October, he came out of his bed in the middle of the night because of the back pain. I was sleeping on the couch because the house was full so I watched him walk around moaning and then he just went outside. Remember, middle of the night.
In November he had some rectal issues and we had him in to a specialist in Sioux Falls who did fissure repair, but he still didn't complain. In fact, his first complaint came on Dec 15th at about 4:30 AM which led to mom calling Kathy and then me at 5 AM which led to me telling her to get to Sanford ER now and I would arrange for Dr. Larson to see dad. This led to me calling Jen and Eric who I'm sure were sound asleep but they graciously accepted my panic with the love and friendship they've always shown. Kathy, Mom and Dad were at Sanford by 7:30 AM and at 8:55 AM, the doctor came into the ER room, grabbed me, took me to a private room and explained she had found tumors on dad's brain, his spleen and his liver. She said it was metastatic meaning it didn't originate any of those places, so they were admitting him to find the source of the cancer, and to prepare for whatever treatment was ahead. After telling me all of this, I sat there and said, "Maybe we should get my mom and tell her, too." The doctor was mortified thinking I was alone here with him and embarrassed she didn't ask ahead of time, but I assured her it was better that I knew ahead of time. So, I walked, along with the doctor to the waiting area where Kathy and Mom sat watching Good Morning America. As soon as they both looked at me, I burst into tears. Nice poker face, eh? Needless to say, I ended up calling the three brothers, too, since mom couldn't speak. Within 24 hours, the boys were all in Sioux Falls and Dad had all the family together with him in the hospital room.
I knew the cancer was from the lungs, since Dad had smoked since he was 12. But after various tests, they found it indeed originated there. The dad I knew who said he would never take chemo if he ever got cancer, suddenly changed his tune. He was sitting in the bed when they told him the prognosis. It was Stage 4 and basically, they could only treat it, not cure it. If he didn't take chemo, they gave him two weeks. If he did chemo and radiation combined, they thought maybe 2 months or a little more. He did both and we buried him five months to the day of his diagnosis.
I miss him so much. I've had various dreams with him in them. I've heard his audible voice even. It woke me up from a nap one afternoon and I literally looked all over the house for him and then burst into tears when I realized he wasn't there. Mostly, I miss showing him my kids and having him be a bad influence on them. He would love Jadyn and Mataya and would spoil them beyond belief, not to mention teach them all kinds of naughty things. I would love to fish with him again and have him teach Mataya and Jadyn how to fish, since I've failed miserably in that category. Fishing isn't the same since I lost him, but I still love it. I want him to see his other grandkids and see how wonderfully they've turned out and how successful each one is. But, he's gone. After ten years, one would think it would be easier and that time would heal the pain. I'm living proof that isn't the case as I sit here with tears of sadness streaming down my face, thinking of how very much I missed out on when I lost my dad to cancer.
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