As I tossed and turned in bed, I realized I needed to write and empty my brain and heart, because they are both full to the brim. Upon opening the internet, I see a friend of mine posted this as her facebook status: ...is feeling a little like the author of second Corinthians: afflicted but not crushed, perplexed but not to the point of despair, struck down but not destroyed. It turns out that perspective is indeed a gift of age, so today I'm thankful I have a few miles on me and know that "trouble don't last always." Instantly, I realized, she posted ME.
I have had quite the week since last post. This one might become whiny so consider yourself warned. Not sure it's one episode or even any in particular that have brought me to the point I'm at currently---afflicted, but not crushed---to sum up, my stamina is wearing thin with my children and suddenly I feel like their grandma instead of their mom. My financial situation continues to afflict me; this is my 20th year of doing my job and I've finally reached making $50,000 a year. I remember thinking, "Wow, when I hit 50,000, I'll be rich!" This was when I started at $19,000. And this was before I knew my path would be one of single mom to two. Don't read into what I'm not saying---I love my job and I knew that I would never become wealthy from it. I know there are many who would love to receive my salary. Yes, this I know; my concern is I feel like I truly don't splurge, I truly do make good choices in my finances, and yet, I'm seriously freaking out right now. The nail in the proverbial coffin came when my hope to refinance my house at a point lower than I'm at fell through. My house which was worth $150,000 in 2008 is suddenly only worth $136,000. I needed it to appraise at the same level in order to continue the re-fi and now I can't. Not only that, but I also have to pay the company for the $425 appraisal, which by the way, consisted of taking a picture of the outside of the house and then spending a few minutes on the computer researching other area homes--seriously? I am willing to pay someone to do their job, but seriously? It's about as bad as paying the exterminator $100 for spraying this powder into the bee hive in my backyard and it literally took the guy 1 min. I know because I was standing beside him the whole time. And then when he felt a tinge of guilt, he sprayed a little more to drag it out to at least two minutes. Anyway, I digress. The point is, I have a budget that is tight--to the dollar every single month and I try to function on cash as much as possible, which means, I don't have the 425 sitting in my account or on my counter or in my cookie jar (that is only $16.17 right now). This inability to refinance then leads me to another situation where I had asked a landscaper to draw up some plans for this water issue which I feel will only be fixed with landscaping between my neighbor's and my house. I meet with her Wed night to hear her proposal and to break the news that, oh yeah, I've got no money now. Lest you roll your eyes and sigh and say, "It's tough all over," I will remind you that I'm aware of this. I have students in shelters. I have friends and family in bankruptcy. I've had friends lose their homes. I KNOW. But I still want to whine because for five years I was debt free. Now I've got debt from medical bills, car tires, grad classes for recertification, flood issues for the basement and the list I'm sure is similar to every other person I know. My question is, will it ever change? Do I move to a smaller house? Do I get rid of internet and basic cable I have which is literally the only splurge I have besides eating out with my kids sometimes (and McDonald's is typically the choice of dining pleasures)? I'm officially a Dave Ramsey failure who has no emergency fund, and no way of getting one at this rate. Yes, Dave would say, sell the house, get rid of the internet and cable, and get a second job. A second job? I see my children for three hours a day if I'm lucky on weekdays. A second job? Do you see why my brain won't let me sleep? Perplexed, but not to the point of despair. Yet.
Struck down...but not destroyed. I have been through so many things that are not even close to comparison to what my heart is feeling now. I know there is no reason for my complaining and no reason for me to feel like my entire world is crumbling. Well, except for hormones, which can crumble Rome in a day, literally. And yet, I'm there. I'm not patient nor kind right now. I hear it in the way my children interact with each other and I cringe. I remind, "Kind words, kids. Kind words" and yet I hear the scream that left my mouth when the 2 yr old pulled her milk off the counter and spilled it everywhere after I had just finished cleaning the kitchen. I'm not showing much joy--I'm pissed, people. And ya know what? I believe that's okay sometimes. Hopefully, it won't last much longer.
The best part of her post? The part about knowing because of the wisdom of life that this too, shall pass and I will be the better for having gone through it. And yes, I just threw up a little in my mouth as I typed that.
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