Yep. It's 4 AM and I'm wide awake. I had "one of those dreams" that simply wake you from the slumber that previous to that moment appeared restful and well-needed, but obviously was easy enough to end simply with mind visuals and events that woke me right up. I have been one to have many dreams, but few are recurring. This one was just plain shocking. In it, a friend who has been in my life for quite some time ended the friendship. It was odd. It was hurtful. It involved no "fight" per se, simply a conversation I started in the dream with, "You don't really like me, do you?" And then boom, it all came flooding out and the friendship was over. One I've had for years. One I treasured.
Of course I couldn't just go back to sleep. So, I dragged my butt out of bed as quietly as possible so as not to wake the sleeping 2 year old who had my hair in her hands at the moment (constant touch is what that kid requires!) and decided there may be some meaning to the dream. The dream analysis didn't surprise me---when one dreams of a fight where things end, it usually means you're fearing failure of some sort. Hmmmm. Interesting. Then of course, it asks you to think back over your last 24 hours to see if there were some things that could have led to the dream. Bingo.
Anyone who has been to a level of depth with me in conversation and relationship knows one of my biggest fears is failure. I don't know why, I just know it's driven me for years. Things I've "failed" at have haunted me to this day. I'm not talking epic failures either; these are minor things sometimes. But the main reason I believed I had this dream is based on my current state of mind in life which has equaled failure to me, probably because it's not perfect, which is also another issue that should probably have me in therapy somewhere.
One thing bugging my mind is my upcoming observation from the principal. Stupid, I know. It's been 20 years, many of those filled with observations, and they have typically been close to perfect observations. But of course, the district changed the rating scale and added things to cover and it's really quite stupid to even fret over it. It's not like I'm going to get a raise or a bonus or anything out of it whether it's a good or bad eval. Yet, I want it to be awesome and I don't want to fail. Maybe that was it.
But if that was the only area, then it'd be quite a ridiculous dream interpretation to me. So, I searched a little deeper and all it took was a quick glance around the kitchen to feel like a failure. What a mess! Now, mess is relative I know because I've watched the Hoarders show on A&E....that is NOT me, but there is this little tornado that makes her appearance every night and leaves this trail of debris in her wake. This week, I've literally not cleaned a thing except my children. This made me think back to my last thoughts before turning out the light last night and heading to bed and it was, "What a failure at being a homeowner I've become." This stems much deeper than simply a cluttered kitchen with random stuffed animals lying around, doll clothes on the counter, dirty dishes waiting to be loaded by the 8 yr old who has done an amazing job of avoiding the emptying of the dishwasher this week. It probably comes from the leaves stacked deeply in my yard, needing attention and the back yard filled with dog poop needing attention and the basement clean clothes pile needing to be put away, and my bedroom, newly rearranged needing not only a good cleaning, but I believe I'm going to yank out the smelly carpet that inhabits the room and live with whatever lies under it and the furnace filter needing to be changed (not your typical $5 filter---we're talking $50 by the time all of it is replaced so I've not replaced it for the winter yet), and of course, I'm sure there is more, but those were the thoughts greeting me as I pulled into the place I call home after leaving the place I call work with arms loaded of things to complete for the night. No wonder I'm failing at home-keeping.
Then there is me. Inward struggles to make decisions that ultimately affect my children and I both=emotionally failing. Wanting to lose weight and not wanting to work at it very hard, obviously----huge failure in that area and one that gnaws away at me daily=physically failing. Wanting so badly to reconnect with God at a level I once loved, yet again, not doing it=spiritually failing. What's left? Yeah, nothing. And boom, the dream makes sense.
I know failing is a strong word. I know I'm technically not the failure I have portrayed in this writing. Or am I? It's really hard to know sometimes and because it's my biggest fear, it's an internal struggle more than anything. Fixing it should be easy, I know. Or at least easily said and solved---not easily carried out. Every single moment of my day is planned for me between my job and my children. I know that's my choice and that's where life has me right now. I also know there is not a whole lot I can do to change any of it because life is one phase/stage after another and the one I'm in has me pretty much tied to a tight schedule based solely on everyone else in my world, but me. Yes, I also know that isn't healthy and soon I will snap, but until then, getting it out of my head and onto "paper" has helped. It's 4:45 AM...is there really any reason to go back to bed? May as well start typing out that evaluation sheet for the principal.
Oh Cindy, I am all too familiar with inward struggles. I know that my cyber-hug won't help much, but I still want to give you one anyway. I commend you for putting so much of yourself out there, that alone shows your strength.
ReplyDeleteI have been dealing with many struggles recently as well, some of which have brought me to tears. For the past month and a half I have been going through a teaching-coaching cycle where about three hours of my days are given up to working with an instructional coach. As you can imagine, this brought a ton of stress, primarily because of the loss of time from my "normal" life.
What I didn't expect from the time I spent with the instructional coach was just how much she would help me through some inner struggles. There were a few times that I was feeling rather frustrated (you know how sometimes things in a classroom just don't go as planned). I, as a result, was feeling frustrated and down. However, this coach really put things into perspective for me because of what she saw in the classroom. The tings that I was seeing and focusing on were minor. I needed to look at the bigger picture, from where she was standing. When I "shifted my paradigm," or "changed my lenses," or whatever term you want to use, I realized that there were actually some awesome and amazing things going on in my classroom, but I was clouding my judgment by what I was frustrated with at that particular moment.
I do completely understand about feeling frustrated with my home and its clutter. Being a working mother of two (I know, you can totally relate), I always feel like I am cleaning up and picking up things all over the house. So, sometimes I go "on strike" and just take a break. No, we are definitely no hoarders, but I definitely am not my mother, and never will be. I have come to terms with that (at times), I just wonder if my mother ever will (yup, more stress).
Anyway, I guess that this long diatribe is to tell you that I do understand... I feel your pain. On the other side of this state, I am right there with you. I know about the "failures" that you are feeling. Just know that you aren't a failure in the eyes of so many around you, especially your beautiful girls. We really are our worst enemy.
I think we need to sit down for a drink one of these days, even if it is only over the phone. Margaritas?
Bailey :o)
Awwww, Bailey, you know the right things to say. And you're right, I do need perspective. And margaritas. Doesn't one come with the other? lol Unfortunately, I'm introverted enough to know that perspective for me comes when I have a larger block of time to me to gain order in my world and to feel like I got things accomplished and back where they need to be (in all aspects). I do know there are many things I don't give myself enough grace for and I need to get better at it for not only my own sanity, but also for the sake of my own children and the influence I have upon them. I don't want my baggage to become theirs. Anyway, back to teaching because I hear the critters coming now....thanks for the cyber hug!
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